So last night I was just thinking about why I am doing NBE, because I feel like I should love my body just as it is now, otherwise once it changes I will just continue to seek out something else that I want to change. I say I love my body, to myself, but I don't know if I was truly
feeling the love.
I'm getting there though.
I have always felt that when I got older I wanted to be a womanly woman. Not a lady, or "hot chick", but a Woman. And I think that is how I am meant to be.
I have a very girly personality, I like girly things, and I VERY often hear how cute I am. I turn 22 next month, I don't want to be girly anymore. I want to evolve.
I am close to 5"8 in height, and I weigh 118 pounds. I have weighed this for many years now, despite the fact that I have been trying to gain weight for a long time. I am bony, which I feel is causing me problems. I was having arthritis problems in my wrists, which look very fragile because I am so thin; my hips crack every time I stand up. And probably my biggest issue, is that I have bad balance!! I am so tall with so little body fat that it throws off my equilibrium. I have to be careful when I am drinking because I fall ALOT as a result of the balance issue. And I feel like my equilibrium being out of wack contributes to my bad posture, which translates into low confidence.
I think having a little more body fat would also help my anxiety. It gets much worse in winter, because I am always cold. My nervous system tries to fix the problems, which uses energy and nutrients, leaving other areas lacking, which cycles back to MORE anxious feelings.
I feel too small!! It's throwing me off, it makes me feel unsafe and easily intimidated because I wouldn't have the strength or the balance to defend myself in a bad situation.
I need weight. And I think getting some hips, more butt, more thighs, more boobs, and more arms would help. I want it evenly distributed. Hell, my back is even bony, I want some back insulation. You can see my spine, my shoulder blades, and even my pelvic bone on my lower back.
If I don't gain weight how I'd like/ where I want, I am going to be accepting of it and love my body anyways. In the end I am doing this for better health, and my body is really just my soul's temporary home. I'll care for it with all of my ability, but in the end my soul will move on. I am not going to waste any more time dwelling on what I do or do not have, and just give it my all without useless insecurities. Believe with all of your heart, and you can change your reality <3
It's going to happen.
Oh gosh, I love life realizations, too.
. My last coffee for awhile, it wasn't very satisfying because I wasn't craving it enough.
) , but just barely past it. So I have had a tiny tiny bit of growth.
Baad. I need to find a brave fella to be my escort. That would be cool