[Cheffette]

OK... I may have told you all a while back that I got very busy and stressed out earlier this year, and that I had to put NBE on hold for a while. I would like to take some time now to explain why.

Around the time I left the old NBE forums, I was diagnosed with two very rare conditions known as vulvodynia and vaginismus. Basically this means that I am physically not able to have sex. At least not pleasurable sex. I was born a trimester premature and as a result, my doctors think that my nerves werent able to form correctly in that region of my body. As a result, I am forced to put up with an excruciating amount of pain.

This year I fell in love for the very first time. It was wonderful at first. It totally changed the way NBE was working with me. I had to buy a new bra almost instantly after I met my boyfriend. I was still a virgin then. I then went to california for college. But I moved back home this december, because my parents divorced and could no longer pay the out-of-state tuition. (The college turned out to be a commuter school anyway, though, so I didn't mind.) I was so excited to lose my virginity. But all I felt was pain. We tried doing other things, and I only felt pain. We tried different things, at different times, in different ways, and I could only feel pain. Sometimes I can't even use the bathroom. It doesn't matter what I do, but if I am touched there, I feel like I'm being stabbed. Not an infection, not in my head, but simply as the result of damage to the nervous system.

I haven't thought much about NBE since then. NBE, and breasts in general, remind me of sexuality. I try to keep myself extremely busy by working and studying, so that I literally have no time to think about sex. I tutor elementary kids right now as my first job, which totally eliminates my sexual drive. I am exhausted I don't have much of a life anymore.

I am also a runway model now, which is an amazing and surreal feeling because, you figure, I have all this negativity surrounding me otherwise, and at the same time I have finally fulfiled a dream I had in life. It was my dream to be a model and now I am one. I can't even believe it.

If it werent for modeling, I'd probably have no reason to go back to NBE right now. modeling is a very sexually-driven thing for me. It's the one thing right now in which I can feel sexy, without actually thinking about having sex. And modeling also inspires me to eat more. I know that sounds odd, since models are supposed to be size 0s, or whatever. But the only models I've ever liked are ones who are all around a size 6.(Elizabeth Hurley, for example) I am 5'8" and 117 lbs and am a size 2. I would love to gain 10 lbs. I eat and eat and eat and the food goes nowhere, but I'll keep trying so long as I know it'll work eventually. and more food equals better NBE (my goal is still 36Cs/Ds)...

All the while, my boyfriend has stayed with me, and loves me for who I am and despite what I am going through. I love that. Who would have thought that you can be with a sexy guy who is also incredibly intelligent, funny, and caring/thoughtful? It's possible... and I think I've been truly blessed to have been given that right now... despite my other problem.

So, when I feel the time is right, I'll repost my program here, from the other boards. I'll probably condense it, and there will be changes of course, since there are a few new things I might like to try this time around. I haven't done hypnosis in a very long time. I might just do that again. We'll see. In the mean time, thank you to all of you who have just read this. It means a lot to me.

[Anastasia916]

Wow, your story is very inspiring and touching to me. Because though I cannot even begin to relate completely, I can relate some. I believe I was full term (I was adopted and when I talked to my real mom she wasn't sure but I was born very small). I was always smaller than most people, I'm to this day short and petite. And I have been through alot in my life, at 14 I was date raped by a boyfriend and I had a miscarriage, scared to tell anyone in my family, I went to a teen clinic, they then told me to go to my regular doctor. I just told my mom I wasn't feeling good and needed to go. While in the doctors office I told the doctor why I was really there after he promised that they aren't suppose to tell anyone due to privacy laws. He checked me out and confirmed I had a miscarriage and told me that I never fully developed down there, my uterus is narrow and underdeveloped I am not meant to even have kids period. I was told if I get pregnant, which would be rare, that I would miscarry within 3 months. I got pregnant at 16 by a boyfriend I was with for a total of 4 years and I gave birth to my son at 17.

I wrote about this on another section of the forum, after the birth of my son, the doctor sowed me up incorrectly causing nerve damage. Like you, I couldn't even be touched without excruciating pain. I couldn't have sex period for a year or so after my son's birth. Doctors said that their is no cure for nerve damage and that it would have to work itself out. I started doing research and the best thing I found to help with my nerve problem (which now and then does cause sex to be painful) is kegel exercises. As long as I do kegels everyday, I don't have painful sex. I notice when I stop doing them that it starts to become painful again. I know your situation is much different, but maybe it could help? The kegels strengthen the muscles down there, and help protect the nerves. Also with painful sex sometimes it's caused from lack of lubrication, you might want to try using a lube, I suggest astroglide, it's what I find best. KY in my opinion sucks, period. I like the liquid astroglide. When I don't get wet enough naturally, that's what we use.

I think it's wonderful you have a boyfriend who loves you no matter what, most males would not stay with a woman who can't have sex. I mean of course you can please him sexually other ways, but still, most males wouldn't stay in the relationship. My husband is the same way, when it's painful for me, we stop and he just cuddles me. Where as most males would get made for me causing "blue balls" or being a "tease". My husband has told me if it ever happened again where it would be years I couldn't do anything, he wouldn't care that he loves me for me, not for what's between my legs.

Congrats on the modeling career! I use to be a fashion/photoshoot model, as you can imagine I'm too short for runway lol. Just don't let them tell you you are too fat. When I modeled I was 5'1 and about 98 pounds and they told me I was too fat and needed to lose weight. And I was a size 0 or 1! You just do you, there are plenty of models that aren't size 0's and they are beautiful.

I hope this time around with NBE gives you what you want and wish you the best of luck!

[Nyx]

I agree with Anastasia, your story is very inspiring and touching. I don't have a story to tell, though, but I can say that I wish you the very best- not only in NBE but in life, too, and hope that someday, you and your boyfriend will have the most amazing sex ever.

[sandy111]

This is a very touching story..Some advice on your problem with pain is to really try not to think of anything while having sex.Like if you are gonna get an orgasm,any potential pain,is he going to enjoy it..all that..and you will be fine.You should be totally relaxed and remember you are normal and this happens to a lot of girls me being one of them.So try again and make sure you are turned on and remember the more you have forplay the better.It is very hard to have penetration if you are dry down there or not turned on because the muscles will spams and close the opening of the vagina which is the cause of the pain.You are able to do it just keep your mind off anything ditracting and any negative ideas..Good luck

[esther85]

Your story is really touching and I think you are inspiring for hanging in there and staying positive.

I was wondering, are you able to get turned on? Is the pain only in your vagina or also in the clitoris? (If this is too personal, you don't have to answer ofcourse!!)

God bless you and your boyfriend. I really hope that you will find a way to have sex in a way that is enjoyable for the both of you.

[cleo]

I too suffered with vaginismus as a young girl and found penetrative sex very painful when I first married. I found it very embarrassing and difficult to talk about at the time but my hubby was wonderful. Neither of us had had a previous sexual partner and we just learnt lots of other ways to give each other pleasure. Somehow I got pregnant and once I had given birth everything was fine. Your partner sounds wonderful and very caring, I wish you both all the best.

[TeeTee]

wow your story is very touching, u are definatly a fighter,
my son was born at 1lb 14oz last year, born 3 months early,
makes me really think about any damage that he could have internally, i get very scared for him.
i especially worry about his brain development.

[Cheffette]

Anastasia: Thanks for sharing your story with me. It's nice to hear about someone else who's gone through something similar, and gotten past it. Hopefully my condition will be able to improve too. My doctor says that "It will be hard, and may take a few years," but at least I am with a man who in the meantime is extremely loving and sensitive to my problem. By the way, I also use astroglide. I wouldn't say it helps me very much, but I use it anyway.

Sandy: I know what you're trying to say, and I appreciate your advice. However, I'm not exactly "normal," per say. I am diagnosed with two medical conditions, and both are classified as severe. My doctors cannot even perform a gynecological exam on me. But we do know that I have issues concerning nervous tissue. I am anything but negative when it comes to sexuality - I have always had a huge sexual drive and I get turned on incredibly easily. On average my boyfriend and I stay up for hours (doing foreplay, I guess you could call it, since I cant do much else.) When everything is perfect and I am very turned on and happy and wet enough, I still feel pain. I realize that it is common for virgins and people who aren't very experienced in sex to feel some pain and discomfort, but this is not the same thing. I am doing all I can, going through physical rehabilitation as well as mental counseling to try to imrpove my condition. Again, thank you for your response.

Thank you to everyone else, Cleo, TeeTee, esther and Nyx.

and...

To esther: Yes, I can get turned on, I can feel good if I am touched on the very outside of my clitoris, towards the mound. I can't actually have the lips/clitoris itself/or the inside of the vagina touched. Thank you for your kind words.

Cleo: I've known about this since I was a young girl as well. I tried masturbating at a young age but noticed I would feel terrible if I touched anything inside. I always wondered, "how do people even have sex?" I assumed it was supposed to hurt or something, and that the girl was supposed to just suck it up. But later, around puberty I started realizing, "wait... lots of people love sex, including girls... it doesn't seem like the girl should be in a lot of pain..." But I never talked to my doctor about it, or even my mom, because I didn't have a boyfriend for all thise years up until now.

TeeTee: My mom was very frightened when she had me. The doctors said I'd have learning problems, and that I'd be very small and short, and also that I'd have asthma. To this day I can say that I have never had asthma, never had learning problems (I always ranked in the top of my class) or a lack of social skills, and I am in fact quite tall. (I do have a small frame, though.) My mom quit her job to watch me and take care of me every waking hour after I was born, because so many extra things were required for my health. She had to always supply me with oxygen for a tank because my lungs hadn't formed completely at birth. In many ways I can say that I am extremely blessed to be living the life I have. I think it is a miracle that I am even alive, considering what I had to go through. I hope your son turns out OK. Unless it's been spelled out for you, that he has brain damage, I would just see how things go. People who saw me at the hospital at birth sometimes run into my mother, and they are truly shocked to hear how I am doing now, with none of the problems they predicted I'd have. I would be more attentive to his weight seeing as that was always a problem for me. I was picked on a lot as a child for naturally being very underweight. Stick up for him and don't let him get down. I went through a lot of shit as a kid in school for that. But I'm fine now, people are envious of how I look now. People are into the skinny look for girls, thank god. And hey, my boyfriend is naturally skinny too, but he does work out quite a bit so he has a more athletic physique. I work out too, I really enjoy it and like the weigh it makes me bulk up I guess. I am mainly just glad I don't have lung problems, etc. I will pray that your son is OK.

Thanks everyone, again...

[hopeful31]

Hi I'm sorry about everything that you are going thru. I truly hope you can overcome this situation, it may take some time, but I believe that little by little you will be able to enjoy being with the person you love. I wish you the best and good luck growing

[Anastasia916]

Sailorvenus, I would consider myself fortunate that you didn't get the things the doctors said you would. I was always underweight before I had my son and my metabolism changed, so there is hope. Now I'd consider myself an average size. I too was picked on in school, kids can be cruel. I was always short, very skinny, etc. I was called anorexic, eventhough I wasn't. I was called stick, twig, etc. etc. At lunch in school kids would stare at me while I ate then they would follow me around betting on when I'd go to puke thinking I was bulimic. I was also picked on for being adopted, etc. etc. Trust me kids will find anything and everything to pick on you, I also had naturally curly hair so they sometimes called me curly fry. I had really bad asthma as a kid too so they made fun of that too. I still have attacks now and then, but can be calmed easily and it's only if I do too much cardio for too long. I got good grades in school but I would hard to get them, I have a reading problem, in 3rd grade I was put in special help classes to help me with my reading, basically it took me longer to learn to read than others. I had to work harder than others. Now I can't read as fast as most can because my reading comprehension is bad and on top of that I has an astigmatism in one eye that causes me to mix lines up that I'm reading, so I have to backtrack and really concentrate when I read. When taking tests I always had problems with the literature parts where you have to read long stories then retain information and answer questions. Because of my comprehension I did poorly on that part. Despite my learning difficulties I had 3.7 GPA in high school. So it is possible to overcome anything with hard work.

As far as your son is concerned TeeTee, he is a miracle and apparently the higher power (whatever it is you believe in) has a plan for him, just work with him and he will be fine. My son has had difficulties he got hearing problems that are in my mom's side of the family. He basically couldn't hear until he was 3. His speech is now behind as well as writing and such, but he excels in other areas like coloring, doing puzzles, etc. he does puzzles and colors on a 9 or 10 year old level and he's 5. He goes to speech therapy and I help him at home. Also doctors do not always know everything. That being said my little sister was born autistic and deaf, with surgery she can now hear some in her right ear. They said she would never be able to talk, never communicate correctly, etc. etc. Now she talks just fine, sure she sounds different than the norm, but she's alot better than they thought. She loves reading and is way better at it than I am and I'm not autistic. In middle school, 8th grade, she was reading at a college level. And she reads and comprehends very fast. There is always hope.

But yea, don't listen to doctors too much, they said I would never have kids, and my son is here and healthy. They also said it would be likely my son would never hear again and wouldn't be able to talk, he's catching up just fine now. When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer after my son was born I was told it would take multiple treatments to get rid of, it was gone after one and I think that was because I was positive the entire time. What you think about you bring about, I fully believe that. Just stay positive girls.