Where do I even start? I've been trying to grow my breasts for years now because I despise how small they are. I'm 5'3" (161 cm) and my bust is about 33 inches, which may be being generous as I'm not sure I'm even measuring them correctly. My band size is only 28 inches so overall I have a small frame. I was made fun of in high school for having small breasts, but couldn't really do anything about it at the time because I was still a teenager and didn't have any way to make money. I'm almost 28 years old now, and I hate my body with a fiery passion. I'm so goddamn shapeless that I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. The only place I seem to ever gain any weight is my gut. And we all know that nobody finds a fat gut attractive. Don't try to bullshit me with the idea that someone out there would find me attractive. That sort of person doesn't exist. Men have always hated me and called me ugly, this is something that has never changed even in my adult life. I still have acne at my age, which I've had since I was 12. I kid you not, it's been 16 years and there's no signs of my acne ever clearing up. It seems to be the only part of me that still thinks it's in puberty. I look around me and I see all of these beautiful women with nice ample chests, meanwhile mine are smaller than my hands. And given that I have small hands, my breasts being even smaller just makes things much worse.
I've been using a breast pump for a while and breast creams for several years at this point. Literally no change since the start. I started on Total Curve two months ago and still nothing. I've been generously applying the cream and messaging it in twice a day, as well as taking the pills twice a day as instructed. I even still continue to use the breast pump daily in a desperate attempt to see any sort of change. Have I not been doing it long enough? According to the website I should have seen a change by now, even just a small one. What am I doing wrong?
I'm probably gonna be called an attention seeking whore for this but I'm just gonna say it: This piece of shit body of mine makes me want to commit suicide. All I want is to feel good about myself. I don't need to have the biggest breasts to feel good, just enough so it gives me a nice shape at least. Is it so wrong to want an hourglass body? I'm stuck with this worthless rectangle, everyone's least favorite shape. My younger sister has a bigger chest than I do, not to mention a tiny waist and nice full hips. Basically a petite hourglass. I know I carry the genes for at least a medium size chest because I have direct blood related relatives
(aunts from both sides of the family) who have nice sized chests. None of them are massive, but definitely not small either. My dad's younger sister recently visited us and I couldn't help but notice how nice her chest was, and this is a woman in her 50s. I know for a fact that she hasn't had any work done. She also has that perfect hourglass figure and continues to maintain it despite her age.
The way my body is now, it could never please a man in bed. Not even another woman. Men like big breasts, they don't like small ones. If a guy says he hates big breasts and likes small ones he's lying. I have seen so many things about how women with small breasts are worthless, and without them she's basically a dickless man. To men, breasts are what make a woman a woman. It doesn't matter if you have a female reproductive system. If you don't have at least a decent size chest, you're not a woman. It's not like I want every man I ever come across to fawn over me, but knowing all of these things has made me feel completely worthless. I haven't dated in almost 9 years now due to multiple factors, my body being one of the main problems. I have never once been beautiful, not in the face and especially not in the body. It's like I've been cursed. I honestly wish it was possible to change/implement new body parts like how you can change the components of a computer. That way I could throw this piece of shit in the garbage where it fucking belongs and exchange it for a new one. One that isn't absolutely hideous. If there is a god, then the way I must have been created was after he took a massive shit and forgot to flush. It later being found by an angel who flushed it and declared: "It's earths problem now."
Nobody is probably going to read this or even reply, but I'm just about to give up completely. It hurts to see all of these success stories while I can't even get a slight change. Any time I feel like I make any progress at all it literally goes down the drain when I bathe because my breasts shrink in the shower. I can't even get them to lift or feel firm. I forgot to mention that they're also uneven (not symmetrical), and have been since they first showed up. For the record, I do wear a bra, but even that doesn't seem to help their shape. I'll give it a few more weeks, a month at most. If I don't see anything by that point, it's hopeless. If I can't feel happy with my body, then there's no point in living. I'd rather just free myself entirely from this garbage vessel that I'm trapped in. Is it wrong to want a body you find attractive? If it is, then I'm the biggest sinner alive. I'm not getting any younger, it's only downhill from here. Before it all ends, I want to be able to experience what it's like to be happy with oneself, even if only just once. But it looks like I can't even have that. These days, everything is about looks. Very few people care about what's on the inside anymore. Being beautiful, even if just in the face, has a myriad of perks. Last I checked, being unattractive comes with precisely zero bonuses. It just serves as a reminder that nature goofed on you.
I'll try for a little bit longer, but it's looking like things are just never going to work in my favor. I really don't see what more I could do to stimulate breast growth. I eat fine, I move around plenty, and I'm not going to stop washing myself just because it makes my breasts shrink. If anybody reading this has made it this far: Congratulations, you must have a lot of patience and tolerance to make it all the way here. I commend you for that. Please don't bother with telling me to call a suicide hot line. Very little can help me anymore, suicide lines aren't one of them. I don't want to listen to the generic "It will be okay" or "Things will get better" and other phrases that have been said so many times at this point that it probably amounts to the age of the universe. The only thing that will help me at this point is to somehow gain a little bit of happiness with myself. Bigger breasts would do the trick. I wouldn't feel the need to constantly compare myself to other women anymore, and I could look in the mirror without wanting to vomit. I don't care if it's superficial, I just want bigger breasts. Maybe it simply hasn't been long enough with the new cream and pills I've been using, but there should be some sort of change any day now. Even just a small sign that what I'm doing is slowly working would be enough for me to keep going. Anything, I'll take the crumbs at this point, just let me see something. I'm sick of constantly being jealous of other women who have been blessed. Let me be blessed too. Let me have just a little something in my empty life to feel good about. Give me a reason to want to live to the end. Otherwise my life truly is pointless. I want to feel joy, I want to be be happy and positive. So please, just let me have something. That's all I ask for. I don't need fame, fortune, or the world to worship me. I just want to know that there's a chance for this body to become beautiful and isn't doomed to be disgusting until its natural death. Let me know that it's worth it to keep going, that everything I've done up to this point hasn't been for naught. Please.