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Dealing with self hatred

(18-11-2020, 05:23 PM)dreamergirl Wrote:

(18-11-2020, 03:17 PM)koyasha Wrote:


I definitely deal with a lot of self-hatred because of my breasts and I can't talk to anyone about the lengths that I have gone to. I told a friend (online, not face-to-face) and at first he recommended I go see a doctor, then he wanted to stop talking to me altogether because he said he couldn't take it and in the end he even said he was thinking about copying my texts and sending them to MY MOM!

I am an adult, so there is nothing that she could possibly do, but I don't want her to suffer and I knew she would because she's my mom and doesn't want to see me suffer.

I constantly look at other women's chests, sometimes I have to watch a whole part of a show again because all I did was stare at the woman's chest. (Does anyone watch The bold and the beautiful? Flo in her bathing suit yesterday! Omg. And so embarrassing, but 13-yr-old(!) Faith on the young and the restless in that beige knitted sweater with the short sleeves.. boob envy and she's barely even a teenager, hiding my head). Yea, that's really all I seem to notice these days.

As some of you might know, my breasts are very different sizes and because of the fact that they are tubular, one of them has been very saggy all my life and the other one just very small. The difference in size wasn't as much the problem as the shape, the heaviness and just everything about that big breast that I hated even more than the small breast. Because after all, I didn't even feel the small one being there, whereas this disgusting heavy thing was just hanging around, I could literally feel it weighing me down mentally because of it's weight. It was very mobile on top of everything (ugh) and the nipple pointed straight downward and it would make moving, exercising and everything else a pain in the ass because it would either find its way out of the bra that I was wearing or my whole top would just wander to the side of this breast. And for some reason I hated this big saggy way more than the seemingly non-existing thing on the other side. Which might not make sense, given that I want my small breast to grow, it was this heaviness on one side compared to feeling nothing on the other side that bothered me.
*warning, this might be a bit graphic and includes self-harm"

I lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago and went down to 68.8 lbs, so both of my breasts were pretty much gone. Which no doubt was ugly, but at least I couldn't feel what was bothering me so much anymore. I could just ignore the ugliness of my breasts by not looking at them, you can't ignore what you feel. So a few years down the road I gained most of the weight back and it bothered me even more, after all these years of having been free from this disgusting feeling.

At some point last year I was fed up and with my long history of self-harm, I decided to just cut a piece of the skin of this saggy thing off. So I did it and have done so three times thus far, giving myself stitches after. My hatred for my breasts is so intense, I don't even care about the scars or the pain, there are times where I just can't stand it and have to do something. I have no such hatred for my small boob, even though this is the one that I am targeting with NBE. Maybe because there still IS hope for my small breast to grow. I try to creat an underboob with small Kangzhu cups for my big breast, but that doesn't help with this extreme sagging. Maybe that's why I hate it so much, because it's beyond repair. a before and an after of my personal "ops" for those who don't judge 

And no psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever is going to change that. I don't want to go to a shrink who is trying to make me believe that I am beautiful in all my deformed deformity. Cause I am not and I sure as hell don't plan on going bra-less because I accept myself the way I am. How could I? Anyone who is trying to brainwash me into thinking me that THIS is beautiful has a problem, not me. No offense, I know people mean well.

I know that I probably have a problem, but how can you not when you look like this? And no, I don't want implants or anything. I don't want to undergo surgery in general unless I am the one performing it. I don't want my breasts to look good with the help of plastic surgery and somehow this is different. I want my small breast to grow naturally, well through pumping, so as natural as can be. 

I don't plan on dating again, which takes away some of the pressure. Doesn't take away the self-hatred, just makes it easier, at least one thing I won't have to worry about. 
But still, I am sad that I had to end up this way in the first place and have to take measures like this to stay sane. 

I am just very frustrated and depressed because of all of this. My breasts have had such a huge impact on my life so far. ugh

I'm very sorry to hear of your struggle koyasha I could really feel your pain when I read this message.

I know that I can't necessarily help you but I'm wishing you the best to find happiness and love in yourself.

The fact that you are here and trying with NBE is a positive step, it means you have hope that things can be better.

I can relate to the boob envy of even girls in early puberty who are doing better than me as an adult (so depressing), and the impact it had on my life, things could have been so different and thats frustrating to think about, because we were just born this way.  Why can't society show some true equal love to all types of boobs?
Also, have you ever looked at that natural boob gallery site? I can find the link if not. I saw it here and it was very eye opening. All kinds of boobs there, not just the perfect ones you see on TV and the internet.

Thank you, dreamergirl!! 
It is comforting to know that someone can relate to what I am feeling and doesn't judge me. It was good being able to just talk about it. Thank you, I really hope that you will be able to maybe not love, but at least accept yourself and be 'ok' with yourself. I know how hard it can be. When I'm doing NBE, I am confronted with my breasts all of the time and I end up depressed. When I'm not NBE, I am depressed because I'm not doing anything about them. 
You are right and I really think or know even, that my life would have been different if it hadn't been for my breasts, which is very frustrating. Breasts, I mean, really? Well, yes, that's the reality for me and for you, as well. Which is sad. 
Yes, I know what site you are talking about. Looking at different types of 'normal' breasts made me feel better, but of course, nowhere near good about myself. 
Thank you!!! <3


(22-11-2020, 03:40 AM)dreamergirl Wrote:

(18-11-2020, 08:54 PM)Happyme Wrote:


Both of you girls are tough to crack! But i love you anyways.

I'm not an advocate for implants but sometimes this is a better route.

I had a friend that was born with a short leg.

He wore a special shoe and did exercises to stretch his leg from the time he was 6 until after graduating high school.

I lost touch with him till after college and we met up together after about 5 years.

When I saw him walking towards me I was amazed that he was upright, no dragging a 5lb boot and quite confident in his carriage!

What happened to you I asked?

After all those years of trying to stretch his leg he met someone in college that told him of a "bone Dr" that could fix him up.

He resisted because I felt he could fix it himself.

He finally gave in and had the operation.

Now he only regrets that he was so stubborn didn't do this sooner. He missed out on so much life by hating himself and just being a recluse.

Its not good to hate your self or a body part. Get it fixed.

There is fat transfer which is a bit safer than implants.

I'm trying

Huggs Bobbi

You're right. I think that it would solve my problem but I'm wary of creating new problems, either health problems or mental problems. I always fear that if it's an unnatural part of my body, I won't feel a true self esteem boost and it might cause me to feel even worse about myself mentally. I don't know though, maybe you're right and I'd only wish that I did it sooner and had my dream body without wasting years hating myself.

Thank you so much for telling us the story about your friend and for your advice, Bobbi!

Dreamergirl took the words right out of my mouth. I am surprised someone feels the way I do about this. I am worried about the mental problems, too. An implant, I'd probably try to rip it out at some point or punch it at the very least because I'd feel it doesn't belong there and that I need to get rid of this foreign object inside of my body (stupid, I know). Ok, I wouldn't try to rip it out, that's just what I would probably feel like, I'd feel the need to remove it. Fat transfer is actually a good idea, but.. I think I'd still feel, somehow.. that this wouldn't be 'me'. I am not sure how I would feel, maybe I would be the happiest person on Earth. Fat transfer definitely sounds WAY more appealing than implants. But then again, would I want fat removed from another body part or would that, again, not feel like myself anymore? I don't know. 
Thank you for giving this so much thought!


Koyasha I checked your picture and I have to say I was surprised by how good your breasts look compared to how you describe them??? I see the size difference and I understand why you want to correct that (my breasts are not the same size either, I think it’s actually more common than having exactly same sized boobs?) but I would have NEVER known your breast are tubular?! Perhaps there is a spectrum and your case is mild, but the tubular boobs I’ve seen has a very think base with most breast tissue in the areola/nipple which then appears puffy and larger then the breast itself. It’s very hard to describe but I’m talking areola being like 60-80% of the breast. Your areolas are so pretty and Your breasts just appears to have more upper tissue than underboob which is the case for many women. Consistent Pumping can definitely correct size difference.

I’m not saying it to make you feel better (even if I hope you do..!) and if I’m crossing some sort of line here I apologize, I know you didn’t post to get your boobs rated by anyone. Of course what matters is how YOU feel about your body. Just sharing my genuine reaction and hoping maybe it gives you perspective or something.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother who called me ugly so I’ll always have a problem with my face, but like you both describe I’m against surgery because I would feel “false”. I don’t even own a push up bra because I don’t want to fool anyone. How ever I think those opinions are soon to be considered old fashioned. At my last job I had many colleagues younger than me and I was chocked to learn how many of them had boob jobs and would get lip fillers periodically like it’s nothing more than a manicure. And the beauty industry is only growing. At least it seems natural options are developing more. I’ve decided to save up to get acid treatments for my acne scars, and made peace with having a fat transfer if NBE for some reason won’t deliver the results I want.



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