[koyasha]

 It wasn't an all at once thing. I had to work on a lot of the root causes which was a mixture of a chemical imbalance and childhood abuse, and it still took a long time. I did the IP thing when I was younger but it actually didn't work for me at the time but I also don't think I was ready. I have been recovered for several years now and I still have to be careful and watch myself whenever I'm going through something difficult to make sure I don't slip back into it despite being recovered for so long. I still think about food quite a bit and am always either on a diet or breaking a diet but in the sense of the average woman in this day and age and not in a disordered way if that makes sense. Girl same, on that part about the smaller breast staying the same no matter what. Aw, don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard because I use to be the same but I feel like it just makes it harder on yourself, ya know? Yes, whenever I'm my goal weight (which is a completely healthy weight w/ a bmi of 20-21) I get a lot of comments about how I look like a child. I'm short as well so the mixture of being short, thin, and not having breasts makes me look kinda child like when I'm smaller. Whenever I have been overweight in the past I got a lot of nasty comments then too. It's society that is the problem. I've noticed a lot of women deal with this problem where it doesn't matter what we weight because someone always has something negative to say. 
I picked up some Arnica yesterday to help w/ the discoloration. I've heard it mentioned on this thread and other threads. I was kinda worried about it because it says it reduces swelling and isn't that what I want? I'm at the point though that I feel like I need to just push through the discoloration instead of taking breaks for it to heal. I'm not actually overpumping. It doesn't hurt and it happens at the -1 gauge which is like nothing, so I think taking breaks doesn't force my body to get use to it. I could be wrong, but I'm hoping since I'm not actually overpumping that I can push through it and force my body to get use to it w/ the help of things like topicals. I'm the type of person who bruises very easily, so I'm not really surprised I'm dealing with this. A lot of people on here say that you need to get up to -5 gauge for growth and I can't even get to -2 without issues so I'm going to just keep going at the pressure I'm doing (which is -1) while using topicals and hopefully the discoloration goes away and I can crank it up slowly overtime. It might be a thing where the discoloration won't ever go away while I'm pumping because of how easily I bruise and I'll have to deal with it the whole time which I don't mind, I just don't want something that will be permanent even after I quit pumping which is my only concern. How is it going for you?

I am sorry to hear about the childhood abuse, I hope whoever did that to you is behind bars and that you can live a normal life today. Is it still affecting your relationships with men negatively even after therapy? It's ok if you don't want to talk about it, I hope you are ok <3

I also think that you have to want to get better and that if you're not ready to recover, you won't or at least it will be a lot harder for others to convince you to. I was IP for self-harm 5 1/2 months when I was 16 and there were several girls with an ED. The girls were around my age so their parents had brought them there, but you could tell the difference between those who picked their own meals right away because they had to eat anyway, so why not choose what they liked? and those who were totally against the whole idea of even attempting to enjoy food again and feeding themselves properly. That definitely made a difference. I am happy for you that you are recovered now. Are you making unhealthy food choices or are not very active which makes you end up at a weight you don't feel comfortable at? When I see the calorie recommendations for someone my gender, height and activity level, it makes me want to cry lol. It seems ridiculously low and all this time I was thinking maybe I had a slow metabolism when in fact I really seem to be overeating constantly. How do people eat three meals a day and snack in between?

Thank you! Sometimes I feel like I am my biggest enemy, life could be easier if I was being nice to myself at least, but it's really hard for me.

Just like you I've gotten comments about looking like a child, as well. After my initial weight gain and my face being a little puffy, the bus driver was actually surprised I was an adult (17+ when it comes to bus tickets) and I was 32 lol. I still get carded on the rare occasion now at 34 (with my face mask on at least, my mouth area probably gives me away). I like how much we have in common :-)

Sorry to hear you got nasty comments when having been overweight, as well. You're right, society is the problem. Unless someone brings up that they are unhappy about their weight or is talking about weight related health problems, I think people need to keep their mouth shut. And even then, there are ways to be nice about things, some people are just plain rude. Women usually try to be mean when saying something negative about another woman's body, men are mostly oblivious or looking at a woman in a sexualized way only (ugh).

Since swelling is only temporary anyway, I think using Arnica is not a bad idea. But I'm also thinking that maybe your breast needs the swelling to get used to being stretched when you are pumping. But I am not sure, you could try and see if the Arnica is helping with the discoloration and if it's not, you can always stop using it.

Since you say you bruise easily, yes, maybe this will always be your body's response to pumping, but it might get better with time if you keep doing it. I'd say as long as there are no real bruises showing up after pumping and your breasts don't turn purple, try to stick your schedule. If the discoloration doesn't go away after a week or two, maybe take a short break and see if it does, as long as it doesn't get worse, it should always go away again. Even if you just stop once to see if even after an extended period of daily pumping the discoloration will still disappear if you take a break. At least then you will know that it does and you can keep pumping without having to worry about this being permanent. 
I'm doing ok, I want to start doing chest exercises an hour before pumping because according to someone in another thread, this is a good idea because of increased blood flow in your breasts. I don't know why you should wait for an hour, though, but since I have to get my ass home from the gym anyway, this sounds good to me. First of all, I will have to get my ass TO the gym, though :-)

Well, for the last several years that I have been recovered I seem to diet at a normal calorie deficit  for a few months or several weeks and then fall off the wagon and eat junkfood and gain weight but when I fall of the wagon I tend to stay off for a good few weeks and sometimes a month. Wash/rinse/repeat over and over pretty much. It kind of just has me in a cycle where I just keep losing and gaining the same 10-15 pounds over and over because of it. I wish my skin looked young. My face def looks my age if not more (I'm in my late 20's), but I tend to have a childlike body at my goal weight. So if you can't see my face I look like I'm 13 and then suddenly you see my face and realize that nope I'm def not lol. We do have a lot in common " alt="" title=""> 
I've been thinking of trying the exercise thing before pumping too. Even if it's only for 5-10 minutes it feels like it couldn't hurt. Yes, I think that's pretty much what I'm going to do is to just keep pumping while using arnica and see what direction the discoloration goes over the next few weeks. See if it keeps getting worse and worse or if it gets worse at first and then gets better. If it doesn't get better after a few weeks though I'll take a short break just to make sure I don't make it permanent. I'm really hoping this works though and my skin just adjusts. Even if my skin had to look like that for the duration of the time I pump trying to get to my goal size I wouldn't mind as long as it's not permanent and it goes away when I stop.

I am similar in that I fall off the wagon for an extended period of time, as well. It's that all-or-nothing mentality that comes into play for me here, I either do ok or I don't and when I don't, it's like it doesn't matter now since I messed up already anyway. But I do keep making plans to eat better/exercise more starting tomorrow/Monday/the 1st of the new month. Thanks to losing and gaining the same pounds over and over again the skin on my body doesn't look as young as the skin in my face. I have quite a bit of cellulite, too. Do you lead an active lifestyle? Part of me likes having a childlike body, do you? And while I do want to improve the appearance of my breasts, I'm not one of those girls (I should call myself a woman at my age haha) that wants to have huge breasts. They'd look out of proportion on me :-)
10-15 minutes of exercise is better than no exercise, so I'd say go for it!!  

A hickey! Thinking about it, it makes sense. It's ok to take a day off, a lot of people recommend that.

Are you still using the Arnica or is that completely useless in this case?