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Deep Question (Notice: Intimate)
#1
I’m asking something quite deep, intimate, and detailed here. Yesterday I noticed something that triggered a chain of thoughts and a hypothesis.

It was yesterday during foreplay with my fiancé, that a particular memory pulled all sensations to a sharp point. The memory itself is so hazy that mostly only its emotional permeation remains: I am exposed, my chest is exposed, and I am acutely aware of being female amidst males. Immediately all sexual charge I had with my fiancé is washed away.

The reason this is so interesting, is because this memory has arisen at various points over the years, since I was a young girl (maybe 7 or so; I’m 25 now). If I listen to the memory closely, i think I am aware of being exposed in front of my brothers and father, and feeling wrong.

Then other things come to mind. As a girl/budding teenager, I simultaneously felt it shameful to be a woman, and wrestled with deep anger towards men. I would say on account of the way my father spoke about women and treated my mother. I remember trying to prove to myself and others that I was as tough as a man, that I wasn’t womanly. Around the age of 15 or so I began growing a bit too much hair on my throat, though it wasn’t yet hirsutism. My breasts never developed past a shallow A-cup, in spite of exclusively busty women on both sides of my family. My hips also remained narrow and my torso straight, with little indication of a feminine waist.

In my early twenties, when I began engaging with men sexually, I discovered to my deep shame and with excruciating pain, that I had what is called “vaginismus”: my vaginal muscles wouldn’t loosen enough to let a man inside. They refused to budge no matter the position, coaxing, lubricant, setting, no matter how wet or horny I was - something said “NO”.

Now, I got through vaginismus. It was not trivial. I had to face it bare-faced and with a burning courage. But I faced it. And I made it not just my problem, but the issue of my partner and friends. Because, “only you can do it, and you can’t do it alone.”

Maybe I still have some digging to do. To figure out if some part of my psyche is obstructing my breast development.

Do you think our psyche might have a much bigger influence on our production of hormones than we’re accounting for? Might I ask those who are willing to describe their own psychological nuances insofar as they see them relating to breast/female development? Relevant childhood experiences, current self-image?
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#2
(26-08-2019, 02:39 PM)Aboreal Wrote: [font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]I’m asking something quite deep, intimate, and detailed here. Yesterday I noticed something that triggered a chain of thoughts and a hypothesis. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]It was yesterday during foreplay with my fiancé, that a particular memory pulled all sensations to a sharp point. The memory itself is so hazy that mostly only its emotional permeation remains: I am exposed, my chest is exposed, and I am acutely aware of being female amidst males. Immediately all sexual charge I had with my fiancé is washed away. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]The reason this is so interesting, is because this memory has arisen at various points over the years, since I was a young girl (maybe 7 or so; I’m 25 now). If I listen to the memory closely, i think I am aware of being exposed in front of my brothers and father, and feeling wrong. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Then other things come to mind. As a girl/budding teenager, I simultaneously felt it shameful to be a woman, and wrestled with deep anger towards men. I would say on account of the way my father spoke about women and treated my mother. I remember trying to prove to myself and others that I was as tough as a man, that I wasn’t womanly. Around the age of 15 or so I began growing a bit too much hair on my throat, though it wasn’t yet hirsutism. My breasts never developed past a shallow A-cup, in spite of exclusively busty women on both sides of my family. My hips also remained narrow and my torso straight, with little indication of a feminine waist. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]In my early twenties, when I began engaging with men sexually, I discovered to my deep shame and with excruciating pain, that I had what is called “vaginismus”: my vaginal muscles wouldn’t loosen enough to let a man inside. They refused to budge no matter the position, coaxing, lubricant, setting, no matter how wet or horny I was - something said “NO”. [/font][/font]

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Now, I got through vaginismus. It was not trivial. I had to face it bare-faced and with a burning courage. But I faced it. And I made it not just my problem, but the issue of my partner and friends. Because, “only you can do it, and you can’t do it alone.” [/font][/font]

Maybe I still have some digging to do. To figure out if some part of my psyche is obstructing my breast development. 

[font=.SF UI Display][font=.SFUIDisplay]Do you think our psyche might have a much bigger influence on our production of hormones than we’re accounting for? Might I ask those who are willing to describe their own psychological nuances insofar as they see them relating to breast/female development? Relevant childhood experiences, current self-image? [/font][/font]


Vaginismus is not mental but physical issue. You need to find a good physio specialised in physiosexology and work on that issue.
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#3
(26-08-2019, 03:57 PM)sweetorange Wrote: Vaginismus is not mental but physical issue. You need to find a good physio specialised in physiosexology and work on that issue.


Sorry, I don't know why my original post was in such a messed up format. Fixed it hopefully.

As I wrote, I already solved the issue of vaginismus. I don't believe it is physical at all. The vagina of a woman with this condition is exactly the same as that of a "healthy" woman. The muscles contract involuntarily and it is especially prevalent among women from highly conservative backgrounds, who attempt to lose their virginity on their wedding night, and among women who were sexually traumatized.

Have you ever experienced not being able to pee, because you knew others could hear you? And you really try to pee, but your muscles just won't let up? I think the principle is the same. Your muscles are the same as when you are alone and nobody can hear you, but the situation is different mentally.

I could write a lot more about vaginismus and my personal (successful) battle to overcome it, but it's detracting from the point of my thread.

Thank you for trying to point me in a good direction in any case Smile
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#4
Hi Aboreal,
I've had similar issues and fought through them on my own.
I am a wee bit older than you are, but knowing what I know now I would suggest you drop in to a psychologist, therapist, or whom ever and explain your story, much like you told us.
Your continuing fear of intimacy I'm sure (like mine) is rooted in your upbringing.
Parents try their best, but often cant see the future.
Bobbi
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