[blessedbreasts]

Wow, thank you so much, Ella and missboobshirt. When it comes to confidence and self-esteem, I'm at a major disadvantage because I haven't really had a "normal" life with normal confidence-building experiences that everyone else has. I also have a mental disorder. So it feels pretty impossible to even fake confidence. I've never been able to do it around boys I find cute.

I wish I could at least feel slightly attractive, even the slightest bit. Like, not even cute or pretty, but I'd settle for feeling even just average. At least I wouldn't feel hideous. When guys show attention to me, my brain goes 'Is he confused or crazy? Because I'm super ugly.' I can't get past feeling ugly, can't get past the idea of a guy getting a good look at me and realizing 'Oh, yikes, not what I thought I saw at first glance.'

I also just feel unworthy in general, and not just with boys. I was shocked last week when some fun, pretty girls wanted to be friends with me. I thought 'But I'm not normal or anywhere near as cool or pretty as you guys? What gave you the impression that I'd be worth your time?'

If I see him again, I will try "barrelling on up to him," as Ella suggested. The idea has me wanting to squirm underneath my blankets and cover my head, though! It's crazy, because the first time I met him, I was confident in his presence (he was talking to someone else in my group, and I jumped in and asked him a question). But the mere idea that he might like me a little bit has totally shattered my confidence. I don't think I can live up to whatever false, idealized image he might have made of me in his head.

Thanks for the story, Ella. That was so gutsy of you! Also, I saw that Dr. Mercola link when you shared it with me on your program page and have been making my way through the video.

Thanks for the links, missboobshirt. I'm coming off of being isolated for years and you'd be amazed at how badly it messes up your mind and your ability to connect with others and, most of all, your confidence. I've been reading things and watching videos on confidence and one of my goals with my therapist is to build my confidence. Nothing seems to help, but I'm going to print off the articles you shared and read them carefully. I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough upbringing.

I can't Facebook him... it's not my style. I couldn't even bring myself to search for him on it today. Too shy (I'm also too shy to even just get on Facebook most days, that's how severe my shyness and low self-esteem are). I can't bear the thought of asking for his number, either. I'd feel like a nuisance! I don't even do that with girls I want to be friends with. I always assume no one would truly ever really want to be in contact with me. I feel like I'd be an annoyance if I tried to befriend someone, much less pursue someone romantically.

I'm babbling, sorry... all this to say I've got some major work cut out for me. And if he really is interested in me (which I still doubt, can't help it), so does he, poor guy.