Doing NBE and thinking about my boobs so often, about the boobs I wish I had, about how much I hate my body has triggered something in me. I stopped being depressed, I started being angry. I started to think about how beauty standards have conned me into hating myself when I shouldn't be.
I realised that my body ISN'T hideous, it's just not what society considers ideal.
I have the body of a fit young woman, what's so wrong with that?
I happen to have smaller breasts and a small frame in general but my body is fit and healthy. Why isn't healthy the ideal?
It doesn't matter if there's objectively nothing wrong with it, as long as I live in society I will be subjected to adhere to it's body standards and THAT is messed up.
It doesn't matter where I go, I try to mind my business but society constantly gives me the message that I am inferior for having smaller breasts.
Men will say it directly or indirectly, they will OFTEN imply a busty woman is more attractive/higher value/superior even if they do not explicitly put down smaller breasted women. This isn't all men, obviously a small minority exist who actually prefer smaller breasts but they do go against the norm.
I realised that while I do love the idea of having large breasts, it's only because I want the sex appeal and high status/worth that comes with them.
If smaller breasts were considered to have the most sex appeal in society, would I want larger ones? No I don't think so. This is an idea that has been drilled into my head before my puberty even started to develop any breasts at all. This is a symptom of living in a society with a body ideal that involves large breasts.
Realising all of this hasn't changed my mind about wanting larger breasts, I can't change the world I live in to favor small ones so I have to go along with it or be deemed lesser but it HAS made me angry. I realise how messed up society, beauty standards and body standards are. They exist to make people feel lesser, be treated lesser, and to buy into schemes and surgery to change their position in the world.
I will continue NBE with a new perspective. I cannot change the system and I will no longer allow myself to be lesser and worthless but I AM aware and not happy with the bigger picture that caused this journey for me.