[Outofstyle]

Yep totally true! Meeting people can be so hard sometimes.


So I had a thing going with a guy in my res these past 2 weeks. I suck. We ended up having sex 2 nights ago. And omg what a gong show. I bought some vitamin B3 (niacin) and I had done my research so I knew that higher doses give you a "flush". I figured it would be a red face, and my vitamin b complex has 50mg in it so I didn't think taking 500 mg would be so bad. Boy was I wrong!! I took it 10 min before going over to my guy's room, figuring we were going to have sex and b3 increases circulation and thus sensations. OMG. I was on FIRE after 30 minutes. I felt like there had been hot sauce rubbed all over my body! My ass looked sunburnt. And skin contact with my guy made it burn even more. We still had sex, and then afterwards I was still hot and flushed but I started shivering uncontrollable for another 20 min. Talk about good impression? Must think I'm a weirdo.

K so that was my sex. Now for my issues.

Things moved faster than I wanted them to. I need strong feelings for sex to be any good so it sucked, even though he has a wonderfully nice penis and a hot bod. Not enough. I need to feel chased. And I did at first, he was super cuddly and shit when we were first hanging out (obviously to get in my pants, I got the impression that it was something more). I'm so love-obsessed that I wanted to seem tentative to his needs and shit and now the chase isn't there. He has just barely started dicking me around, like within the last few days. If I didn't have experiences with other guys doing it, I wouldn't know it was happening yet. But it is, I thought we could be close friends and just that, I don't want a bf, but no can't even do that. I'm going off of vibes here and it could be that I am overthinking things, which I have a very high tendency to do, but either I tell myself that I am wrong or I have some faith in what I am feeling. Time I start going with the latter. Perhaps I just overthink things in the wrong way... Anyways. My vibes are telling me that the chase is over and he thinks he has me. Not the case.

I've been so scared of being seen as a "tease" I hate when guys say that. But honestly, thinking back to when I was like 17- 18, I loved being a tease lmao. Why am I denying myself this fun and joy just so some guy who Only wants in my pants stays satisfied. F THAT. I've been using the old YOLO to justify sex, but I don't even want sex! I want to make a guy work for me and bring him off his high horse, because I am worth it. And I don't need to feel guilty about it either, I am sick of feeling guilty.

If the bugger wants to play games, then we'll play games


But in all honesty, this whole thing is just driving me mad, plus trying to juggle making new relationships/friendships with the people in my residence, and keeping up with school that I just want to procrastinate on, plus now I just don't want to ever go to bed at a decent time because I am scared I will keep myself up all night worrying. For someone who has had anxiety since I was a very young child, I have come a loooong long way so I give myself credit and I am unbelievably proud in myself. But I've worked my way up through the hierarchy of problems and these last bumps are just so hard. So I've decided to book an appointment with my doctor to be put on anxiety medications, and I will now FINALLY start seeing a shrink I think? I really hate the idea of seeing a shrink for some reason. I can spill my guts out over the internet just fine but I get scared of people's judgements and find it hard to tell someone things in person. And with tough things I get a teary and can't talk without sounding like a big baby. Stupid ex bf. The mean one used to always pester me til I just needed to cry, and then he'd make fun of me for it. I guess I shouldn't be letting him affect me, I wasn't at fault for anything he chose to do.

Anywho.

My body, my rules.