[Lara's Lcups]

I wanted to post the above stuff here too. I wrote that some days back as I wanted to put my thoughts down in detail. And this is me justifying myself because I need it, things have to be said out loud.

This is me and I'm a woman. Looking back at childhood photos and such, how it was with friends and so on, I grew up in an interesting environment. They thought I was a boy, I knew I was a girl but didn't have much understanding for how it all works and what is what, words didn't exist for it, no language to express it.

But my behaviour was obvious, I always socialised better with girls. Games I played changed depending on who was with me and I did it all and loved it all. I was bullied a whole lot for it, for my looks and mannerism and all that. No shit, for lot of girls in school I wasn't girl enough and for boys I was too much a girl. Guess how much fun that was? Daily torture sessions... My bullies even gave me a nickname Larissa. It was almost the same as my deadname was, just like Lara has only one letter difference. It reflects my life really well, my identity and body have changed just that little, its just like changing a one letter in my name to suit me better. My body isn't much different, just change the fuel to E from T and that's about it.  

So if this experience makes me delusional, trendy, not woman enough or making it all up, then I don't know what to say. Where is the line drawn anyway? Who's to say who's valid enough? What difference does it make when things have been fixed? I didn't quite get to choose it. I'm just really happy to be doing it now. I guess my saving grace is this weird anatomy I have, some friends who kept me afloat like the girl gang I had, my first true circle of friends back in my teens who took me in as one of the girls. I dated one of them and that was one hell of a lesbian relationship for sure. No one ever talked about it openly, there was no deal made, but I was just accepted in... Boys were all just "somebody's boyfriend" but I was one of the girls. That +2 years was magical, I got to live myself so much, we did all the things teenage girls do. They even did my hair and nails many times and makeovers and such because I was totally ok with it. Nights out, gossip, going to gigs and what else. Shared secrets... Learning about everything, I loved every minute of it. I'm sure that time with this bunch of girls saved my life as before that I was deeply depressed and dysphoric as can be. They saved me, but likely post poned realising myself too as it was a huge relief to the social side of my suffering.

Then later on I tried to cope, to fit in, to be the guy poeple said I should be. Do I need to tell about shitty twenty years of trying to fit into something I've never been? I wouldn't want to as its painful. A pain more lucky ones haven't had to suffer. A pain that can only be truly understood by living through it, a lot can't and they perish on the way. Soul searching and internal work does wonders though, it helps to deal with all kinds of internalised nastiness which makes it harder to understand each other... Let alone understanding oneself. On this I can say I've done a huge deal of work and there's much more to be done, decades of living a life that was largely a lie has left deep scars. At least I'm really lucky with how my body is responding to HRT and NBE, its nothing short of miraculous. And I want to share that journey.