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Hi Everyone

I guess i wanted to be honest about my transition and what my life has been like since. It has been 3 years since i started my transition or journey as i call it and its only now that i feel i can understand who i am and what has happened to me, you could say i have finally found Cheryl.

I have never been completly honest with people on forums, i mean who is. I guess some see me as a success in changing gender, most see me as a very happy person who has had results many would die for. But this is me being truthful with all of you who want to read and know how i truely feel.

I never wanted to be a woman, i wanted small breasts that would just make me feel comfortable with my own body. So the results i achived have been hard to cope with and i have made many mistakes and lost a great deal in my life through this. There has been times over the last 3 years that i have felt so alone, and i have felt like commiting suicide. After the first 5 months of my journey i had realised i had pretty large boobs, i was struggling hiding them and i had told some of my friends and family. I lost alot of them including my parents who still have nothing to do with me. Some of my friends looked at me like a freek, " get your tits out " was one saying i got very use to. Trannie faggot was another, even though i was not trying to be a woman and i was not dressing as one. I had medical problems and hearing about these gave me some peice, something for me to blame for being like i was. Some of you might be saying why did you keep growing your breasts, and the truth is i couldent stop, call it addiction but i always wanted to know what it would be like to be that bit bigger and what it would feel like. My head was a mess, my mind was wondering all the place trying to come to terms with what was happening and who i was. I started to believe i was Cheryl and maybe i should be a woman, was i really transexual and never knew it ?.

I was seen by many doctors and had so many tests done i lost count, i was diagnosed with hypogonadism and my body was also producing estrogen, and as i was not taking HRT or anything they could not understand. They dismissed the herbal pills i was taken but could still not understand my hormone count. I was seen by 3 phychiatrists until i was referred to a gender specialist who after 3 meetings declared me as transexual. I was given this label and it made it abit better for a while. I believed it and started to dress and live as cheryl. My body was changing alot, so was my mind, some of it was me trying to act like i thought a woman should, stereo typing them and trying to emulate it. But that wasent what a woman is. The abuse at this time was pretty bad, i was assaulted 3 times in my first year of my journey. Battered senseless at one point and spent time in hospital. Verbal abuse was a given and something i had shut out of my life as best i could, it still hurt though.

The changes to my body was severe, i could not understand how or what was going on, sometimes i would wake up in the morning and not know who i was, i would look in the mirrow and see this person looking back at me and i couldent relate that person was me. I tryed to act like i was happy, i even lied to my gender specialist, i told her i was truely happy. But i was confused. Dont get me wrong i loved my breasts and on some levels i felt my body was right but my mind wouldent except it.

The second year was even harder. My life was in limbo, who was i ? who is cheryl, am i still Carl ? My body was very feminine, and i had a D cup, i mean a D cup lol what the Fu*k. I had nipples like coat pegs and areolas like frisbees. My bum was massive and my hips where stupid lol. I would look at myself and say what i have i done. I was still getting abuse from some people i knew in my area, and i was afraid to go out some times.

I made the huge decision to have a sex change. I knew very well in this country i would have to wait for years, maybe 5. But i was sure this would help me find my identity, it would make me Cheryl. I did alot of looking around and found somewhere that would do the operation, for alot of money but very little else in the way of proof. I was stupid, desperate for something to make me feel like a real person, i did it all wrong.

I had the surgery and from the moment i first woke up i regretted it. Again what had i done, i was a woman but my mind was still a mess. I was now in debt and in pain and in a foreign country all alone. Ok my surgery did go well, i had no post op problems so to speak. But me emotions where out of control. The 12 months after the op i was a disaster, could not control my emotions, ended up taking prozac anti-deppresents, i was smoking 40 ciggrettes a day, drinking to much and this may shock you all, i had become a slut. I would go out with friends get drunk, show my boobs to any man who asked, even the ones that dident and i slept with quite alot of them. One of them raped me but i felt so low i never went to police, how do you cope with that, well for me it was more drink and more men. I was ashamed and confused and very hurt. I was still unsure if i liked men, i was trying to convince myself i did. I no longer found women attractive in that way, but i never liked men, apart from sexually. They turn me on but i do not feel attracted to them in the form of being able to love them.

All the time i was convincing myself and everyone else i was happy. But then it all kind of clicked together. I had moved to an area where no one knew i was once a man. They treated me as a woman, i no longer heard " get your tits out" or trannie faggot. I had a promotion at work with better pay, my body felt right. I would wake up and look in the mirror and say hey thats me lol I started to view the world from a different perspective, i was not asting like i thought a woman should, i was just being a woman. I cannot remember what it felt like to be a man anymore, i dont miss it, the confussion has gone for me. I know i am cheryl and i am a woman and i am very happy, or atleast im getting there lol. Yes i have huge boobs and a huge bum, yes i still have nipples like cannon balls and areolas like dvds but hey i like it.

So in short its been a battle with my mind and body and at times everyone in the world, but for the last 6 months i feel like me, looking like a woman does not make you a woman, being a woman is something you cannot teach or describe, it just is. I hope for many of you that this has not made you think worse of me, i wanted to tell you all the truth, ofcourse in short else it would have been a book lol. I still take prozac and i still smoke to much, i dont drink much and i do not act like a slut lol Im mainly happy, and i want what i think many women want, someone to love you and grow old with, I want a house with a garden and enough money to be comfortable, i want good friends and a long life, world piece would be nice. But i know we all must be happy with whatever we have in life, as life is to short

I want people to see the real me, im far from perfect, i am a bitch at times, i moan if i dont get what i want, i smoke and drink and take anti deppresents, In 6 months i slept with 9 men, i was assaulted and raped and i hated the world and me. But ive come out the other end stronger happier and you no what, im not ashamed anymore. The world has challenges for everyone, and everyone has there demons. But once you face them and realise there not that scary, then you can defeat them. And live life the way you want to live it

Who am i ? I am Cheryl xxxx

Cheryl, I thought it was very brave of you to open yourself like that. I'm so sad reading of what you have to go through and still going through. I hope that you will get the cathartic release that your longing for and have peace in your life. I know it's easier said than done, but I know just like anything else in life, this too will pass. I'm hoping and wishing you nothing but the best in your life. Don't give up, okay. The journey will be very, very hard but it won't be worth it if it's so easy to achieve, isn't it? I have no doubt you'll make it. I will be your silent and invisible cheerleader in cyberspace.

Cheryl, I sense in you profound sincerity and the beginning of a strong founding of self acceptance. Many of us think we have it bad because our boobs are a little small, a little asymmetrical or mis-shapen, here you are, changing from a man to a woman under the ridicule of the ones closest to you and even yourself. It may have been a long, extremely difficult journey but a journey none the less. It sounds as though you have come a very long way and you have come to realize something that many other adults have not discovered yet: knowing thyself means choosing thyself-and taking responsibility for it.

It's hard to be comfortable with ourselves when those around us, particularly the ones we thought loved us, treat us with unflinching disdain. I'm glad you persevered long enough to reach the point where life really does get better, and you sill continue to do so. Your presence on this board has not only been one of openness and support, but of strength. Making yourself vulnerable the way you just did shows strength, it shows you as a person who is making her place somewhere in life where she can thrive, be who she is, and most importantly, accept herself. I hope you know that here on these forums we accept you the way you are Cheryl, and not only that, we appreciate you being who you are.

I thought this was a beautiful post. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story! God bless you.