11-02-2016, 11:23 PM
I am a 25-year-old, nearly 26-year-old woman and I have never finished puberty. Well, technically I did, I guess, it's just that it kind of reversed and it's like my body instead tried to masculinize itself. You see, after years of being misdiagnosed and told that I'm a "late bloomer", I have realized what is wrong with me. I have PCOS with normal amounts of testosterone but low levels of estrogen. I have always had irregular periods and have not had a growth spurt since I was 13, maybe 14. By growth spurt, I am referring to the "filling out" process, not the "growing up" process. I am approx 5'6 in height and weigh about 115 pounds give or take. I did gain weight at about 19 years of age but I now realize that was due to me eating excessively rather than from actual hormonal growth. I knew something was wrong when most of that weight went to my stomach (which was hidden easily as I live in a colder climate where people wear sweaters most days) but some did go to my thighs and after years of being bullied for being "anorexic" and "flat as a board", I was glad to finally nicely fill out a pair of jeans.
I should give a bit of backstory here. I was always a very skinny, hyperactive kid and I grew up in a very poor, dysfunctional household. I basically had a taste aversion to anything good for me on the rare chance healthy food was available to me and I lived mostly on fried foods and starches. I didn't have a full on eating disorder but for years, my eating habits were messed up and it's clear that I wasn't getting the proper nutrition. We all figured a lot of people ate that way and didn't think anything of it. Now I got my first signs of breast development at 11, fairly normal. I got my first period at 13, again normal. I panicked however at 16 when I realized I was still wearing my training bra. I also was all too aware that I was still a rake while other girls at school were developing nice round curves on their body. When I expressed concern I was laughed at "What? You don't want to be FAT, do you?" and "You're skinny, just like your aunts on your dad's side, don't worry about it." Other relatives laughed at me and said "You're gonna fill out! Stop worrying!" and I was also assured that irregular periods were TOTALLY normal and a family thing. I knew in my gut still that something was wrong but I stupidly trusted my family 'cause I was young, dumb and trusted that my family had my best interests at heart. I did mention the birth control pill to my mother (after overhearing a friend talk about using it to regulate her period) and she said in a horrified tone "NO, YOU CAN'T! YOU'LL GET HAIRY! YOUR AUNT WENT SUICIDAL WHEN SHE TOOK IT! AND WHATSHERNAME'S DAUGHTER GOT A BLOOD CLOT AND NEARLY DIED!" In my vulnerable 16-year-old brain, I wiped the birth control pill from my mind, too terrifed to even go near the idea of taking it (BIIIIIG mistake!!!). So, when I went to the doctor just to express my concerns (being extremely uncomfortable the whole time), she just shrugged and mentioned birth control. I denied it, instead demanding to know what was wrong with me. When I asked her if the pill can help me develop, she basically went out of her way to side step the issue and said "Well, it affects everyone differently and growth just tends to be water weight." Wrong. I didn't realized it at the time but the pill can absolutely help a girl develop curves IF something is preventing her from getting them naturally. Still demanding answers, she did a round of blood work and urine tests and said that everything came back normal. I didn't realize at the time but doctors never did check my female hormones levels. They just saw normal testosterone levels and figured everything was perfectly kosher. So that was that... I went on with my life waiting for the curves to come in, thinking I really was just a late bloomer or naturally curveless.
Now, come late teens and early 20's, I was focusing on school and work. This was around the time I gained weight and was also around the time my mental disorder was manifesting itself (OCD and generalized anxiety). It was also when I became alarmed and realized that I had not had a period in a year and that my hair was falling/thinning out. I finally got an ultrasound done on my ovaries and it revealed several tiny cysts, surely enough. The cold, uncaring older male doctor mentioned PCOS and prescribed me birth control and told me to come back ever I ever wanted to have a baby. Then he promptly walked out...
I DID stick to the pill for a few months and this was while my new, regular doctor started using me as his little pet project and started shoving antidepressants down my throat. He mentioned the possibility of prescribing me metformin but that turned out to be a lie as he eventually decided that cysts were normal and I didn't even HAVE a hormonal imbalance, and that only "overweight girls" can take the drug anyway. He also basically shrugged off my hair loss concerns as genetic because the women in my family experience it. I should have told him to stick it and got another opinion but I was sooooo depressed and stressed out over everything at this point in my life and so burned out by the medical community that I stopped going to the hospital altogether. I was so fatigued and tired, and sure I had some rare disease that doctors just hadn't discovered yet. I basically succumbed to a borderline reclusive lifestyle and kept losing hair. Hair loss was all I cared about back then. Even when I started developing excessive body hair, I was too miserable to care anymore. I did however decide to try different vitamins and devoted to a healthy eating lifestyle. It took a while but by 24 years of age, my periods became like clockwork. The weight came off my stomach and thighs and my hair kept falling out.
Now, it wasn't until I had a shower a few months back that I looked in the body length mirror and noticed that not only was I half bald but MY BODY LOOKS THE SAME AS IT DID WHEN I WAS 13! I broke down and sobbed hysterically. After years of not finding anything online about cases like mine, I finally dug really deep and discovered a handful of rare cases. As it turns out, what I have is a form of PCOS, just the kind with much more rare symptoms which is why I kept getting overlooked. To my heartbreak, I also discovered that several girls WERE physically underdeveloped due the condition and when taken from an early age, treatment such as the pill DID wake up their bodies and inspire them to start pumping out the secondary sex traits. I became even more horrified when I realized that the subtle changes in my body that I assumed were just natural changes from eating better was from the Ortho-Tri-Cyclen that I had taken for 3-6 months and then stupidly discontinued (for reasons I can't even remember really but mostly from being a broke student, fear that it was making me lose even more hair, and the fact that my doctor stopped prescribing it to me). The changes were just so subtle that I hadn't really given much thought to them at the time. I have a slightly lower, rounder butt cheek on one side. One thigh has a tiiiiiny bit more fat on it than the other and my left hip is noticably rounder and less bony/concave than my right. It's just such a devastating blow to realize that my body would have FINALLY finished physically maturing had I given the pill more time but I didn't realize that that was all I needed back then.
So, here is my situation now (and I apologize for the novel). I have breasts but they're small. I wear a 36B bra but I don't even begin to fill it out (I think I've been wearing that size all these years in denial). My ass is non-existant. My hips have virtually no fat coverage and in certain light the bone is even visible. My thighs and legs overall are grossly skinny and twiglike. I can't even fill out a pair of skinny jeans for crying out loud! It's like my bone structure did its thing because my lower back curved out and my pelvic/hip region got a bit wider but the layers of fat never came in. And horrifyingly enough, my skin has changed texture due to lack of fat (especially on my legs). It's much courser now and a search on wikipedia confirms that this is indeed a male secondary sex characteristic. Annd of course, the hair, which I'm gradually realizing is a lost cause and I should have accepted that a long time ago and instead swallowed my shame and fear and expressed desire for help over my body. I could handle the hair loss on a physically mature woman's body, but baldness and body hair (as well as somewhat masculine facial features) on top of it all? I can't handle it. I just can't.... I haven't even been in a relationship or dated before, THAT'S how severe my body image issues are. I never opened up to friends or family until recently because it was just too damn shameful. But now I realize that I was waiting for years for the curves to come on and at 25, I'm coming to the horrifying epiphany that I may be stuck in this body for life and I know me. I can't do it! I've been gradually coming out of my depressive funk state and realizing that life could be beautiful and I could have been very happy but in this body? No. I can't. I'm actually embarrassed to go out in public, my anxiety makes me go home and hide as soon as I can.
So I'm coming to you wonderful people because I feel as though some of you might understand what I'm going through and can offer me help and advice. I can't accept my body as it is because it isn't mine, it's the wrong one. I've already considered plastic surgery (along with wig purchases but that's another story) but I'm overwhelmed at the idea of how much money that would cost. Nothing beats the natural thing but I suppose implants in the breasts/ butt, hip and thigh, areas COULD give me a bit of peace. But I desperately want the real thing, especially curves on the lower half of my body. I know that it's probably not likely at my age but is there anything that could help "encourage" my body to fill out in more womanly areas (gaining weight won't help, I have a man's fat distribution, stomach first to gain and last to lose)? I now realize that it was poor nutrition and lack of body fat that contributed to my body not making the necessary estrogen levels to encourage normal pubertal growth. But I'm BEGGING you. SOMEBODY. Please. There has to be a way. They're hormones! They can be manipulated, can't they? I don't want a Kim Kardashian type body, I just want the body I was genetically meant to have (a petite/slender build but still with curves). I'm going back on the birth control by next month and I'm hoping to get a prescription for spironolactone from the dermatologist I'm seeing in two days. I'm hoping the combination of the two does SOMETHING positive for my body in a womanly sense. I am going to ask the OB/GYN about taking some sort of estrogen therapy but I'm pretty sure legality issues will prevent that from happening. I feel as though I can relate to you MTF transitioners out there; I know what body I'm meant to have and am willing to do anything to feminize it. Please. I just want a normal life and to share my life with someone but I know this is going to prevent all of that. I know a lot of it is my fault. I should have done things differently but as hard as I wish, I can't go back in time and do things differently. I can only decide how to move forward. I really need help/advice. I don't want to die but if I get no resolution I feel like I'm just going to want to go to bed and not wake up. Thanks you all for taking the time to read this.
I should give a bit of backstory here. I was always a very skinny, hyperactive kid and I grew up in a very poor, dysfunctional household. I basically had a taste aversion to anything good for me on the rare chance healthy food was available to me and I lived mostly on fried foods and starches. I didn't have a full on eating disorder but for years, my eating habits were messed up and it's clear that I wasn't getting the proper nutrition. We all figured a lot of people ate that way and didn't think anything of it. Now I got my first signs of breast development at 11, fairly normal. I got my first period at 13, again normal. I panicked however at 16 when I realized I was still wearing my training bra. I also was all too aware that I was still a rake while other girls at school were developing nice round curves on their body. When I expressed concern I was laughed at "What? You don't want to be FAT, do you?" and "You're skinny, just like your aunts on your dad's side, don't worry about it." Other relatives laughed at me and said "You're gonna fill out! Stop worrying!" and I was also assured that irregular periods were TOTALLY normal and a family thing. I knew in my gut still that something was wrong but I stupidly trusted my family 'cause I was young, dumb and trusted that my family had my best interests at heart. I did mention the birth control pill to my mother (after overhearing a friend talk about using it to regulate her period) and she said in a horrified tone "NO, YOU CAN'T! YOU'LL GET HAIRY! YOUR AUNT WENT SUICIDAL WHEN SHE TOOK IT! AND WHATSHERNAME'S DAUGHTER GOT A BLOOD CLOT AND NEARLY DIED!" In my vulnerable 16-year-old brain, I wiped the birth control pill from my mind, too terrifed to even go near the idea of taking it (BIIIIIG mistake!!!). So, when I went to the doctor just to express my concerns (being extremely uncomfortable the whole time), she just shrugged and mentioned birth control. I denied it, instead demanding to know what was wrong with me. When I asked her if the pill can help me develop, she basically went out of her way to side step the issue and said "Well, it affects everyone differently and growth just tends to be water weight." Wrong. I didn't realized it at the time but the pill can absolutely help a girl develop curves IF something is preventing her from getting them naturally. Still demanding answers, she did a round of blood work and urine tests and said that everything came back normal. I didn't realize at the time but doctors never did check my female hormones levels. They just saw normal testosterone levels and figured everything was perfectly kosher. So that was that... I went on with my life waiting for the curves to come in, thinking I really was just a late bloomer or naturally curveless.
Now, come late teens and early 20's, I was focusing on school and work. This was around the time I gained weight and was also around the time my mental disorder was manifesting itself (OCD and generalized anxiety). It was also when I became alarmed and realized that I had not had a period in a year and that my hair was falling/thinning out. I finally got an ultrasound done on my ovaries and it revealed several tiny cysts, surely enough. The cold, uncaring older male doctor mentioned PCOS and prescribed me birth control and told me to come back ever I ever wanted to have a baby. Then he promptly walked out...
I DID stick to the pill for a few months and this was while my new, regular doctor started using me as his little pet project and started shoving antidepressants down my throat. He mentioned the possibility of prescribing me metformin but that turned out to be a lie as he eventually decided that cysts were normal and I didn't even HAVE a hormonal imbalance, and that only "overweight girls" can take the drug anyway. He also basically shrugged off my hair loss concerns as genetic because the women in my family experience it. I should have told him to stick it and got another opinion but I was sooooo depressed and stressed out over everything at this point in my life and so burned out by the medical community that I stopped going to the hospital altogether. I was so fatigued and tired, and sure I had some rare disease that doctors just hadn't discovered yet. I basically succumbed to a borderline reclusive lifestyle and kept losing hair. Hair loss was all I cared about back then. Even when I started developing excessive body hair, I was too miserable to care anymore. I did however decide to try different vitamins and devoted to a healthy eating lifestyle. It took a while but by 24 years of age, my periods became like clockwork. The weight came off my stomach and thighs and my hair kept falling out.
Now, it wasn't until I had a shower a few months back that I looked in the body length mirror and noticed that not only was I half bald but MY BODY LOOKS THE SAME AS IT DID WHEN I WAS 13! I broke down and sobbed hysterically. After years of not finding anything online about cases like mine, I finally dug really deep and discovered a handful of rare cases. As it turns out, what I have is a form of PCOS, just the kind with much more rare symptoms which is why I kept getting overlooked. To my heartbreak, I also discovered that several girls WERE physically underdeveloped due the condition and when taken from an early age, treatment such as the pill DID wake up their bodies and inspire them to start pumping out the secondary sex traits. I became even more horrified when I realized that the subtle changes in my body that I assumed were just natural changes from eating better was from the Ortho-Tri-Cyclen that I had taken for 3-6 months and then stupidly discontinued (for reasons I can't even remember really but mostly from being a broke student, fear that it was making me lose even more hair, and the fact that my doctor stopped prescribing it to me). The changes were just so subtle that I hadn't really given much thought to them at the time. I have a slightly lower, rounder butt cheek on one side. One thigh has a tiiiiiny bit more fat on it than the other and my left hip is noticably rounder and less bony/concave than my right. It's just such a devastating blow to realize that my body would have FINALLY finished physically maturing had I given the pill more time but I didn't realize that that was all I needed back then.
So, here is my situation now (and I apologize for the novel). I have breasts but they're small. I wear a 36B bra but I don't even begin to fill it out (I think I've been wearing that size all these years in denial). My ass is non-existant. My hips have virtually no fat coverage and in certain light the bone is even visible. My thighs and legs overall are grossly skinny and twiglike. I can't even fill out a pair of skinny jeans for crying out loud! It's like my bone structure did its thing because my lower back curved out and my pelvic/hip region got a bit wider but the layers of fat never came in. And horrifyingly enough, my skin has changed texture due to lack of fat (especially on my legs). It's much courser now and a search on wikipedia confirms that this is indeed a male secondary sex characteristic. Annd of course, the hair, which I'm gradually realizing is a lost cause and I should have accepted that a long time ago and instead swallowed my shame and fear and expressed desire for help over my body. I could handle the hair loss on a physically mature woman's body, but baldness and body hair (as well as somewhat masculine facial features) on top of it all? I can't handle it. I just can't.... I haven't even been in a relationship or dated before, THAT'S how severe my body image issues are. I never opened up to friends or family until recently because it was just too damn shameful. But now I realize that I was waiting for years for the curves to come on and at 25, I'm coming to the horrifying epiphany that I may be stuck in this body for life and I know me. I can't do it! I've been gradually coming out of my depressive funk state and realizing that life could be beautiful and I could have been very happy but in this body? No. I can't. I'm actually embarrassed to go out in public, my anxiety makes me go home and hide as soon as I can.
So I'm coming to you wonderful people because I feel as though some of you might understand what I'm going through and can offer me help and advice. I can't accept my body as it is because it isn't mine, it's the wrong one. I've already considered plastic surgery (along with wig purchases but that's another story) but I'm overwhelmed at the idea of how much money that would cost. Nothing beats the natural thing but I suppose implants in the breasts/ butt, hip and thigh, areas COULD give me a bit of peace. But I desperately want the real thing, especially curves on the lower half of my body. I know that it's probably not likely at my age but is there anything that could help "encourage" my body to fill out in more womanly areas (gaining weight won't help, I have a man's fat distribution, stomach first to gain and last to lose)? I now realize that it was poor nutrition and lack of body fat that contributed to my body not making the necessary estrogen levels to encourage normal pubertal growth. But I'm BEGGING you. SOMEBODY. Please. There has to be a way. They're hormones! They can be manipulated, can't they? I don't want a Kim Kardashian type body, I just want the body I was genetically meant to have (a petite/slender build but still with curves). I'm going back on the birth control by next month and I'm hoping to get a prescription for spironolactone from the dermatologist I'm seeing in two days. I'm hoping the combination of the two does SOMETHING positive for my body in a womanly sense. I am going to ask the OB/GYN about taking some sort of estrogen therapy but I'm pretty sure legality issues will prevent that from happening. I feel as though I can relate to you MTF transitioners out there; I know what body I'm meant to have and am willing to do anything to feminize it. Please. I just want a normal life and to share my life with someone but I know this is going to prevent all of that. I know a lot of it is my fault. I should have done things differently but as hard as I wish, I can't go back in time and do things differently. I can only decide how to move forward. I really need help/advice. I don't want to die but if I get no resolution I feel like I'm just going to want to go to bed and not wake up. Thanks you all for taking the time to read this.
oh yeh throw in a protein powder, building blocks of hormones and what not, plus I always put on 1kg whenever I use it.